WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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