yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
