A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
