allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
