wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
