You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
