I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Can I color on your dick again?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
