Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
