drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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