I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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