This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
