i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
