I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
