my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
