How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
