And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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