My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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