Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
