I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There's always time for handjobs
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
