Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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