My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
