There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
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Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
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What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
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