I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
