Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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