May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
