I feel great
I just peed on a car
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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