I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
