I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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