oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
