he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I deserve this hangover.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
