i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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