im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
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Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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