I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I deserve to be covered in dicks
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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