like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
