It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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