If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
