And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
