I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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