note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
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i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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