Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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