: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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