I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
