My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
