I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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