I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
