I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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