i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All the doctor said was why
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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