I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
