They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
