if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
