Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
