..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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