My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
