I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
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Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
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I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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