Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
