There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
