I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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