It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
