i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The air taste purple.
Randomize
