i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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